I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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