Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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