my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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