you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
