I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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