If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
