I CAN MOONWALK!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
