Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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