I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
