I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
