I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
