Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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