I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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