I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
