i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My dick has a subreddit
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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