I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
