I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
