Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
