the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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