and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
