I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
