Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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