She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
