Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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