First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
