if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
