Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
