Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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