I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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