I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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