farters have to be the big spoon...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
