my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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