Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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