When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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