now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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