Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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