How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
