im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
