Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
