dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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