Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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