Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
