go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
