im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
