Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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