Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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