Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How naked do you want me to be?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
