never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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