No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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