My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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