FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
