My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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