He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is my gift to your gina
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I love you.
Bad choice
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
